[Only-topic] The jokes topic!

Hello

Here, everyone can tell jokes they know or they find on the web.

Sexually explicit jokes are not tolerated!

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Here I begin :

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How Many Forum Members Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

- 1 to change the light bulb
- 1 to post that the light bulb has been changed
- 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
- 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
- 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
- 53 to flame the spell checkers
- 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
- 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
- ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
- 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
- 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
- 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
- 109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
- 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
- 111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
- 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
- 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
- 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
- 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
- 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
- 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
- 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
- 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
- 44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
- 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
- 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
- 1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again


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LOL, that would happen on the French version on this board, with the huge number of members!

Purchasing a new bird

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

I want this Imoticon to put in my homepage it is posible ?

But your Joke was strong !

Here's what I found while I was doing some cleanup in my room

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A love story

I shall seek and find you
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan
I will make you beg for mercy
Beg for me to stop

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am finished with you
And you will be weak for days

All my love

(signed - see below)




The flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter... and get your flu shot!
----------------------

President Bush was in the White House, thinking about wich country he was going to invade, when the phone rang.

- Hi President Bush!, said a voice with a strong accent. I'm Marcel Tremblay, from St-Georges-de-Beauce, in Québec, Canada. I'm calling to declare officially war against your country.

- Well Marcel, said Bush. Those are big news you're telling me there! How many soldiers do you have in your army?

- Right now, Marcel said after a short reflexion, there is me, my cousin Jean-Guy, my neighbour Gustave and the whole bowling team. That makes... fourteen people.

George W., after a smile, answered:

- I have to tell you Marcel, that I have one million soldiers waiting for a word from me to attack anywhere in the world.

- Batinsse! I'm gonna have to call you back...

At the exact same time, the next day, the phone rings again.

- Mr. Bush, the war is still going on. We talked about it, and we started to equip ourselves in assault material.

- Oh did you? And what exactly do you have?

- Well sir, we have two jeeps, one bulldozer, three quads, two cross bikes and Gustave's farm tractor, on wich we installed a GPS.

- I still have to tell you Marcel that I have 6,000 tanks, 12,000 hummers et 14,000 troop vehicules. Also, my army have grown to 1,5 million since the last time we talked.

- Tabarslac... I'm gonna have to call you back...

As agreed, Marcel called back, at the exact same time the next day.

- President Bush, we are still at war, we now have an airforce. We modified an ultra-light motorised, and added two .12 caliber on it. Also, four big guys joined our army.

George W. stayed silent for a few moments, and then took a deep breathe and answered:

- Again, I have to tell you Marcel, that I have 10,000 bombardiers, 20,000 F-18 and that my territory is protected by 60,000 air-earth missiles guided by satellites and lasers and, since our last talk, I have now 2 million soldiers in my army.

- Simonac! I'm gonna have to call you back...

As always, the next day, Marcel called.

- Know what mister Bush, I'm sorry to tell you that we're gonna have to cancel this war after all...

- Oh... Sorry to hear that Marcel... May I ask why?

- Well sir, we talked about it around a keg of beer, and we finally had to admit that we are absolutely unable to feed 2 million prisonners.

Hahaha, very nice jokes

Ok,

When my grandfather was asked if he has any alergies, he said, only, WOMEN!!!!!!

Drag~

Real questions that were asked on the cruise I went on:
Is the water in the toillette salt water, or fresh?
How do I know what pictures the photographer took of me are mine?
Can I take a picture of the boat as it leave port?
Do these stairs go up or down?
(from the fromt of the ship) does this elevator take me to the back of the ship?

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

The 1st graders were supplied the words in black and they made up the words in red.


1.Don't change horses until they stop running..

2.Strike while the bug is close.

3.It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

4.Never underestimate the power of termites.

5.You can lead a horse to water but How?

6.Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

7.No news is impossible

8.A miss is as good as a Mr.

9.You can't teach an old dog new Math

10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

11.Love all, trust Me.

12.The pen is mightier than the pigs.

13.An idle mind is the best way to relax.

14.Where there's smoke there's pollution.

15.Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

16.A penny saved is not much.

17.Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

18.Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed..

19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.

20.There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

21.Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

22.If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

23.You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box

24.When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

25.A bird in the hand is going to poop on you..

And the WINNER and last one!

26.Better late than Pregnant

1. Compile a large list of extremely complicated orders,
at least an entire page long. If she asks if that will be all, tell ask
her if she is kidding, then continue rattling off the list. After you
are done, when you pull up to the window tell her you changed your mind
and just want a cheeseburger instead.

2. When you receive your food, tell her this isn't what you wanted (even if it is).

3.
When you receive your food, "accidentally" drop it on the ground. Claim
s/he did it. Ask for a new one. If you do get a new one, drop that one
too.

4. Attempt to enter the drive-thru in reverse.

5. Park your car at the end of the drive through. Abandon your car for an hour or so.

6. Rap your order, slang and swear words included.

7. Enter the drive-thru butt naked.

8. Say your order in a different language. When s/he claims that she doesn't understand you, get angry.

9. Honk the horn constantly. Bonus points if its a long line.

10. Same as 5, except have someone else park a car at the beginning of the drive-thru too.

11.
Buy food at one fast food restaurant and don't eat it. Go to a
different fast food restaurant. When you reach the window of the second
fast food restaurant, hand them the food from the first restaurant and
then tell them "Here's your order, have a nice day."

12. After
you exit the drive-thru, re-enter the same drive-thru and order the
same exact thing. Keep this up for awhile. Pile up the food in the
passenger seat so they notice.

13. Just before the person
gives you your food, completely lose it and scream your head off. Wait
until s/he starts to get help, then act normal again. Feign ignorance
of what just happened. When s/he hands you your food again, start
screaming again. Once acting normal doesn't stop her from getting help,
drive off while still screaming.

14. When you pay the cashier, give them a lot of money and tell them to keep the change. Act shady.

15. Talk on the phone without rest. When the person at the window says something, gesture to them to shut the hell up.

16.
Order something not on the menu. After you are told that its not on the
menu, ask them for something else not on the menu. After keeping this
up for awhile, ask them if you have anything at all.

17. Drive as close as you can to the opposing side of the drive-thru, so you are as far away from the window as possible.

18. Play extremely loud music and crank up the bass.

19. Two Words- high beams.

20. Have no idea what you are doing. Get confused.

21. When the cashier tells you the price, exclaim "YOU JACKASS."

22.
Order a cheeseburger without the cheese. When they ask if you just want
a hamburger then, strictly tell them no and demand you want a
cheeseburger. When you get the hamburger, tell them that this is a
hamburger. Be stubborn.

23. Make obvious ****** and explicit comments and gestures toward the person at the window, doesn't matter the gender.

24. Haggle.

25.
Order something large, then drive right past the windows where you pay
and where you get your food. Works best in a near empty drive-thru.

Cornelia wrote:
Sexually explicit jokes are not tolerated!

dammit ! and I had such a great joke about ____ and *****'s

I want to hear them Jalokim PM me them =)

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

hahaha nice one Antonio1992

boring, none of them are funny

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

• Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
  
• Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
  
• Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
  
• Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
  
• Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
  

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”



Edit Caihlem: I'm sorry, but although the other two are funny, I can't accept them

hahaha very good

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Spoiler:

So a blonde, brunette and a red head all died and before they got into heaven god told them they had to listen to 100 jokes and if they didn’t laugh at any of them they could go.

The red head goes first and gets to the 34th joke and laughs so god told her she couldn’t got to heaven.

The brunette goes next and she gets to the 70th joke and laughs and god tells her sorry you made it far but you can’t go to heaven.

Then the blonde goes and gets to the 99th joke and god was so impressed he said “Wow you have come really far here is your next joke” and before he could begin to tell the next joke the blonde just busted up laughing and god says “what was that for i didn’t even start the joke?”

“I just got the first one!”

______________________________________________________________________--

A hunter dials 911 and says, “I just shot at something that I thought was a deer but it was another hunter. I’m afraid I just killed him.”

The operator says, “It’s OK sir, it may not be as bad as you think. First, make sure he’s really dead.”

The guy says OK and sets down the phone. Then the operator hears a gunshot. He picks up the phone and says, “OK, now what?”

Doctor Inferno wrote:Why did the chicken cross the road?

Spoiler:

lol

nice that like the best one

50 things to do in an Elevator


Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you, just shut UP!"

Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

One word: Flatulence!

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft
go "plink" at the bottom.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, stupid motion sickness!"

Give religious tracts to each passenger... then ask them if they like the pictures.

Meow occassionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

Play the harmonica.

Shadow box.

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space.

Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Bring a blaring boom box along with you and start dancing wildly (extra fun when the elevator is packed).

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

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10 of the dumbist American laws


Nevada: It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

Colorado: It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.

Virginia: Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.

Florida: A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

California: Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Wisconsin: Margarine may not be substituted for butter in restaurants unless it is requested by the customer.

Illinois: You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.

Nebraska: If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.

Georgia: Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.

Texas:
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their
victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain
the nature of the crime to be committed.